Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Who's The Most StruggleTastic™ Sounding Rapper?

Brehs and brehettes, I listen to a lot of Hip Hop and Rap music. Now, I don't claim to be a Hip Hop Scholar, but I know like anyone else who grew up surrounded by hip hop and rap music that the sound is about the struggle. Used to be, the struggle was about growing up poor, black and in a constant state of flux surrounded by a world that didn't care about us. The struggle is different now, but no less poignant. 

Unfortunately, some rappers sound like struggle. Not THE struggle, but struggle. That "I was supposed to get my Food Stamps on February first and here it is February thirtieth" struggle. I make random allusions to rappers who sound like struggle all the time on Twitter, but now I'm noticing that there are a lot of rappers out here who sound like they've been living under the expressway to the fifth circle of hell. 

What follows is a list of 5 of the most StruggleTastic™sounding rappers I've ever heard spit bars or flow on a hook. Some of it works for them, but most of it definitely does not.

5. Planet Asia

Look at this dude. Looks like he smokes a lot of Black & Milds, huh? Check out the struggle below.

Seriously though, Planet Asia's voice is more like difficult progress than struggle. Dude sounds like one of those NOI cats who sells bags of fruit and the Final Call on the corner of Airways and Lamar in my hometown. Nothing too struggletastic here, though he brings to mind times back in the day of sitting in front of old Cadillacs on hot summer nights with dudes who smell like MD 20/20 and cheap cigars

Struggle Rating: 2/10. We done almost overcome

4. GLC

Yo, no lie, when I first heard GLC rap, before I even knew who he was I know how he looked. Sh*t's Kray. Check it out. (GLC's verse starts at 2:10)

Anyway, Breh GLC is officially one of my favorite rappers, but that don't stop dude from sounding like the day after the first night you mixed clear and brown liquors, then popped some pills for good measure. Seriously, GLC sounds like when you spend your light bill money on some new J's because your tax refund check is coming, but then when it comes it's seventeen dollars and fifty cents. Every time I hear breh rap I think of that time my friend fell off of a roof and broke his elbows. No lie.

Struggle Rating: 4/10. Sisyphus.

3. Juvenile

Terius and crew started rapping right after I hit puberty. They even shot a video in the projects near where I grew up.  What you may not know, is that the designers used Juvenile's voice patterns to design several housing projects all over the country. How'd they do it? Look at em, then listen to 400 Degreez, you'll see the resemblance. Juve the Great made what might still be the most ratchet, yet amazing song in existence, and he's in full struggle mode on it:

Why was he so greasy in the video? Lawd. Juvenile had that "I spent twenty K on gold permanents and then developed chronic acidic halitosis" struggle going for him. Breh's breath probably smells like the place where Mo'Nique stores her razors.

Struggle Rating" 7.9/10.  Play some Juve for your squads at a pee-wee football scrimmage, watch it turn into The Hunger Games.

2. Trae Tha Truth

I wasn't really checking for Breh Trae before he dropped a cut with Lupe. His verse starts at 1:47.

Dude sounds like the aftermath of an F-5 tornado. Breh's voice puts me in the mind of Armageddon. Maybe it's Trae's vocal struggle levels that will destroy the world in 2012. Don't play any of his stuff in the same room with small pets, I'm sure it'll make their flesh melt from their bones. Like, breh's voice is sonic diabeetus. You ever dropped a Chick-Fil-A milkshake just as you put the straw to your lips? Trae's voice is your theme music. This is that cold lotion after a shower struggle. Don't listen to this when you're depressed.

Struggle Rating: 98/10. Sonic Diabeetus.

1. Future

I don't even have words for this cat. They all went on vacation as soon as I typed his name. Give him a listen:

What? No, seriously. What the f*ck was he saying? Is his mouth even open? Who is Tunny Muntenneh? I don't even...Tony Montana spoke better English than this dude. Speaking of languages, THIS NEGRO CAN BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH, WHO THE HELL TOLD HIM IT WAS OKAY TO SPEAK SPANISH? Breh sounds like a short bus mobster. The every time I listen to his music, I expect the DJ to cut the track and do this. Breh struggles with consonant sounds. This is that "They killed the last panda in existence" struggle. What the f*ck? I'm literally flabbergasted. Lord Zedd listens to Future's music and ruminates on ways to reupholster his swag. Grown men should really know how to use their words. If this StruggleTastic™ breh is on your favorite rappers list, I need you to immediately cease being a fan of Hip Hop and listen exclusively to LMFAO, thanks.

Struggle Level: Infinity/10.

Imagine if you get jawed by a chick and someone captures it on video. It goes viral. Imagine what happens to your manhood after something like that happens. You'd probably hide in a hole, or cry, or go occupy a hotel room, living almost exclusively off Wild Turkey and Pall Malls while spending your nights cutting your ex-girl's name on your arm. Listening to Future creates the impulse to do all of the above, repeatedly, for the next ten years.

So those are my StruggleTastic™ 5. I enjoy some of their music, but the real thing is the level of struggle that they bring to my life. Some of it is cool. Some ain't.

A Breh Wants to Know: Whose music do you find the most StruggleTastic™? Hit the comments with your answer and a link to their most ridiculous song.

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