Surviving race-troll arguments on the internet [race]

The days of your friendly neighborhood race-troll claiming black friends as an infallible excuse for not being a racist are long gone. These days, when a white person makes an insesnitive, inflammatory, or otherwise stupid racial comment on the internet, they pull from a tried and true arsenal of passive aggressive 2520 debate tactics. I've seen many a fellow well-meaning negro get caught up in the web of internet racial debate, and it makes me sad, y'all. It really does. 

Fortunately, I'm here to help. After extensive research, I've come up with what are perhaps the top 3 "Now why would you misconstrue my calling you a porch-monkey as racism?" arguments that white people (especially those really thoughtful, non-racist ones) use on the internet, and how to combat them. (I don't cover straw men and other hallmarks of bad debating, and you shouldn't either. Also, "I have a black friend/s" has been used to death, and I ain't talking about it no more.

That being said, put on your marchin' shoes, friends.